Sunday, July 29, 2012

Can I recover from the fear?

Two weeks ago was my sons 2nd birthday. My plan here on the blog was to finally write his birth story. And I couldn't do it. I've tried many times over the course of the last two years to write down what happened before I forgot. I am realizing now that I am never going to forget. The parts I was lucid for are forever ingrained into my memory.

Over the last two years, different people have asked me about CJ's birth. That is one of the first things a new mom asks you at a playdate when you have a young baby. “How was your birth?” It seems like such a simple question. I would always shrug it off and say, “Well, it was kind of tough.” and leave it at that. Even with my OB/GYN at my yearly physical (she wasn't my doctor when I gave birth) I would abbreviate everything. My description of my birth would sound something like this “Uhmmm... well I was induced but it didn't go very well and uhmmm I eventually had an emergency C-section and... there were some complications...”. I'd always end it with, “But CJ and I are both fine now” and add a smile. I will never tell a pregnant woman my birth story. Those who have asked I've told, “Well, what happened to me isn't the norm and I don't want to scare you, so I'll tell you when you are done giving birth”.

So for two years, I've kept silent. I've pretended that anytime I think about my son's birth I don't immediately get chills. I've pretended that I can't vividly remember what it felt like when the doctor cut into my stomach. I've pretended that I don't remember feeling completely violated by doctors and nurses and midwives. I've pretended that I didn't almost die. I've pretended that I can't remember the horrified look on the doctor's face when I casually mentioned that I felt a crackle in my chest every time I took a breath. I've pretended not to remember the nights spent away from my newborn son. I've pretended not to remember the nurse telling me I wouldn't be able to breastfeed because I'd been separated for to long. I've pretended that I don't have nightmares at least once a week.

And I just can't pretend anymore.

When I was in the Army, I was a Mental Health Specialist. My main job was to treat soldiers with Post-traumatic stress disorder. I could recognize the signs right away - nightmares, shaking, flashbacks, denial. Yet I kept trying to lie to myself about what I was feeling and I just can't anymore. I am shaking right this second, covered in goosebumps, trying very hard not to cry as I write this out. I hope that finally getting all of this out of my head might help in some way.

Part of me feels ashamed. How could I be traumatized by the act that gave me the most perfect creature I've ever known? How can I not just be thankful that I'm still alive? I remind myself how lucky I am, since childbirth used to be the number one killer of women.

I am thankful. I am thankful for my son, my life, and my family.

This doesn't change the facts. I desperately want to have another baby. Hubby and I planned from day one on a huge family. Yet the idea of actually giving birth makes my stomach get all tied up in knots, goosebumps appear, and my hands start to shake. I pray daily that I will be blessed with another child. I pray daily for the courage to endure another labor. I pray that if I am blessed with another pregnancy, I will have the courage and the strength to be in charge of my own body and not allow things to escalate out of hand again. What else can I do? 
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12 comments:

  1. Oh, honey. I just want to reach out across the ether and hug you. I hope that writing it down will be the first step towards your recovery from such a traumatic experience. I don't know how it works in the US, with insurance etc, but can you get your doctor to refer you to a therapist? Because talking really does help.

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  2. I'm so sorry something that was supposed to be so joyful brings you such pain and agony to this day. If you don't already go, I think a therapist would help a you a lot. I do applaud you for being able to write this, as difficult as it must have been. I hope you can heal enough to move forward with your dream of a larger family. If you do get pregnant sooner rather than later, I think therapy is crucial for your health. Hugs.

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  3. I am so, so sorry! I pray that you find the strength to do what you think is best for your family. Whether that be to have another child, adopt, or... I think that your fears are valid. Writing my birth story (for my son) was very cathartic for me and helped me with a lot of what I was feeling. I was able to let go of some of the bad memories and hold onto the fact that my son was in my arms.

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    1. We are looking at the adoption route too. Thank you for your kind words.

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  4. Wow, I am so very sorry you had such an experience and that it has affected you this deeply. Just getting your honesty out here right now is the first step in getting handle on the fear you had during this time.
    I am proud of you for being so brave and hope that anyone who does hear your story, understands that you are an amazing woman for sharing it.

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    1. Awww, thank you so much. Your message got me all choked up. :)

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  5. Hi! I'm visiting from the Monday Mingle!

    I had an unplanned c-section with my daughter over 7 months ago and it still haunts me. While the entire thing went very routine, it was completely opposite of what we intended for our birth, and I just haven't gotten over that yet. It bothers me. I'm terrified to get pregnant again, though I know I'd love more kids. I just hate the idea of another surgical birth. Though a VBAC scares me too, I want to go that route.

    Chantal @ www.scatteredseashells.com

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    1. I had an unplanned emergency C-section too. It didn't go routinely at all, my epidural (the one I didn't want) wore off so I felt everything and was screaming at the top of my lungs. When they finally got CJ out, they put me under. I ended up getting a ton of infections which eventually led to fluid in my lungs and heart failure. I am terrified too, like I said. I hope to have a VBAC and I don't want to go to a hospital. I live in NH so I'm lucky that they have birthing centers that are highly reputable. Hopefully I can go to one of them. I hate the idea of another c-section too. I read that each time you have one, your risk of dying doubles. Since I almost died the first time, I don't think I would survive another one. That's my biggest fear.

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  6. I'm visiting from Monday Mingle! My sister does sign language with her baby girl. I wish I could have done more with my own daughters.
    www.minivan-momma.com

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  7. Visiting from the Mom's Mingle! Praying for you and your fears that God will heal you and release you from them. I can't imagine! I hope you have a great Monday!

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  8. I can't imagine what you are going through. I have an intense fear of having a baby, but there are many many reasons that go into it, and as such, I am not yet a mother. I applaud you for being so strong. It's okay to be scared but I see you as strong as well.

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  9. I completely understand what you're going through. I also had a very difficult birth experience where I nearly died. I would never want to tell any expecting mother about my experience because it would truly be terrifying. It's hard when your experience isn't the norm, and people ask you about it, and it was a horrible experience. :hugs:

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