Saturday, June 9, 2012

Does Curious George Have E-bola?

Before I had children, I always said that I was never going to let my children watch TV. That lasted until I needed 6 seconds to go to the bathroom and decided to let him watch Sesame Street. Now the TV is on pretty much non-stop. We aren't necessarily watching it most of the time, it is just on. Since we now watch TV, I've come to observe quite a few things on children's television that lead me to believe that these writers are messed up in the head. Maybe it is just me, but you be the judge.

I googled "Norman Price" and got this.
Glad I'm not the only one who thinks this is his future.
Fireman Sam - Two words for you : Norman Price. This child needs to be institutionalized. He is obviously going to become a sociopath. He pathologically ignores all of the adults in his life, his mother has no idea where he is 90% of the time, and it is only a matter of time before he gets someone killed. Every single episode he willfully disobeys whatever adult is trying to help him, and then Fireman Sam comes to his rescue. He needs to be in a home.

Barney - Am I the only one who thinks that BJ, Baby Bop, and guy with the light-up head are Barney's illegitimate children? I'm not right? I actually like the show, I think it is cute, and somehow it doesn't bother me as much as some other shows, but I still think Barney is a little bit of a creeper. There is never any mention of the dinosaurs parents, and Barney was a little cagey when their "cousin" moved to town. I'm not buying it buddy.

Thomas the Train - This one probably drives me the most crazy. Why, in the hell, are the conductors listening to the train? If you are the driver of a train, and it starts to tell you what to do, you don't listen to it. You go and put yourself into the care of a qualified psychiatrist who will put you on some nice meds so you don't hurt anyone. There is this one particular episode that is especially obnoxious. Thomas has a statue of a lion that he has to deliver somewhere. Thinking that it is a real lion, he has food and water and all kinds of crap thrown into the back for it. Who puts the stuff into the back? Humans. They know that there is a statue of a lion in there and yet they do what the damn train tells them to.

Only a matter of time.
Also he probably stole that banana.
Dora the Explorer - I know this is an obvious one, but WHERE ARE YOUR PARENTS?! What in the hell are you doing out in the middle of the woods with a monkey and a talking backpack? Someone needs to call child protective services before she gets attacked by a bear. Also get her a better map. Ps. This show annoys us so much that CJ isn't even allowed to watch it. 

Curious George - This is similar to the Thomas issue. Why do these humans keep putting the monkey in charge of stuff? He goes to a candy store and the owner leaves him in charge while she gets more stock. Then she's surprised when he gave away all the candy. Uhmm, HE'S A MONKEY! And the man in the yellow hat is a creeper. No one else finds it suspicious that he lives alone with a monkey that he kidnapped from Africa? Now, I want a pet monkey as much as the next kid, but even I know that isn't a good idea. Has he not seen the movie Outbreak?

Yo Gabba Gabba - I've never done drugs, but I'm pretty sure that this show is the closest to doing Ecstasy that I'm ever going to feel. I feel like I'm at a rave when I watch this show. What kind of creatures are they supposed to be anyway? I know one is a robot, but the rest? Are the aliens? Dinosaurs? One looks like an inappropriate adult toy. I'm just saying.

Super Why - "This sounds like a super big problem, just right for Super Why!" No, it isn't. It really isn't that serious. The pig doesn't want to wear a bucket on his head. So take the bucket off your head pig. Not that complicated. Little Bo Peep has lost her sheep? Big surprise. I don't know if you've realized, but Bo is a little absent-minded. She's been losing those sheep for over 500 years now. All the letters in the alphabet are not going to help her find those sheep. If you like letters so much, just go home and read a book.

Bob the Builder - Stop talking to your machinery Bob. It doesn't seem healthy. I'm pretty sure that people who hallucinate as much as you do should be on some serious medication. And that sore of medication usually advises against operating heavy machinery. You might need to find a new job. Also, I feel like Bob the Builder was created in order to give children blue collar work ethic. Nothing wrong with blue collar work ethic, but I find it odd that a children's tv show has that sort of agenda.

Caillou - Caillou is a whiney, spoiled little brat. He is doing nothing for American-Canadian relations. I don't believe in spanking, but sometimes he needs a good tap on the booty. He's still less annoying than most other characters, so I'll allow it.

So am I the only one who sees all this? Please tell me you do to. Also tell me which children's tv characters drive you nuts and why. I just want to make sure I'm not insane. 

All characters are trademarked by their respective companies. I own nothing, except a ridiculous and sick sense of humor. 
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  1. Love this post! I have so many of the same questions and concerns!

  2. You're funny! I haven't seen any of these shows in ages, but I remember Barney's voice always driving me crazy.

  3. Replies
    1. Seriously. My son signs C U when he wants Caillou and we pretend we don't understand. We are like "Blue? You want Blue's Clues? Ok."


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